Just What I Needed, More to Think About
So my first therapy session was pretty much as expected. A few nice suprises that have nothing to do with therapy at all, really: It didn't rain when I went into SF for my appointment last night (I had some worries that if it rained a lot I'd use it as an excuse to not go). Also, it's not so far from 24th street BART, Papalote(sp?)--one of my favorite taquerias in the whole world-- and Lex's pad, so there are some plusses for traipsing into SF aside from just getting healthier. Sometimes I need little bonuses to push me over the top when it comes to facing my problems. (The promise of new shampoo/toothpaste/soap has often been the only thing that gets me out of bed on down days.)
Some things that were not much of a suprise, therapy-wise:
I cried. That was pretty much a given, and I said as much when I first sat down. Of course, crying while I was telling her that I'd probably cry wasn't something I really expected. I obviously needed to cry. This explains why I teared up during "Ever After" at movie night a coupla weeks ago.
There was a clock prominently displayed. It's weird to be watching the clock while you're pouring your heart/mind out. But it was strangely comforting and focusing, actually. I tended to get back to my point (maybe) more often, though I still managed to ramble quite a bit.
My therapist is hot in the butchy-dyke-ish way that I tend to like. This did not suprise me. I have a feeling that no matter what my therapist looks like, I'll have some sort of attraction to him/her simply because of power dynamics mixed with my intense need to be heard right now. But still. Argh. I don't need complex relationships with my therapist. Of course, she turns out to be the sort of therapist (so far) that I am looking for, so I'm going to try to just ignore the hot thing. Given that most of the time I'm just blubbering along, I tended to forget my attraction anyway.
I quickly learned about a blind spot that I have. Again, not much of a suprise...that's one of the main reasons that I wanted to go. She early on pointed out that anger and sadness/depression are usually thought of as linked--sometimes to the point that some people think depression is mostly repressed anger. I wouldn't go quite so far in my case, but I think that it's amazing that I didn't link my anger and my sadness. I thought they might have similar root causes, but I didn't put it together that repressing one might cause the other (and I think that happens in both directions with these two emotional states, for me). Seeing this connection explicitly will help me to manage/change/grow regarding them both. I hope.
Some things that did suprise me:
It was pretty emotionally draining. Not sure why this suprised me, but it did. I guess I haven't had a real venting session with anybody in a long while. I forget how tiring it can be--to the point that I start to worry about my therapist--how in the world can she listen to hours and hours (not just me, but clients before/after me) of this stuff, empathize, and not just be completely utterly drained. I woulnd't be able to compartmentalize it enough, I think. I'd go crazy. er. Crazier.
I found myself morbidly joking around a stranger. I thought that I would take the whole thing pretty seriously, but I guess as a defense mechanism of some sort, I made a lot of jokes at my own expense. Or should I say "jokes". Lots of stuff about how I'm crazy and all that. I was suprised by my inhibition of talking about myself, to some degree. Usually I have no problem talking about myself. And I managed to blather on quite a bit...but I also hesitated and held back. I suppose trust will have to be built.
I am more uncomfortable with doing this than I thought I would be. I have done therapy, briefly, for various particular things before, but this feels different. I feel like I'm sort of needing this more than I have in the past, and that makes it harder to handle emotionally. I also feel like some of the reasons I need it more (i.e. don't have as many friends to talk to) make it tougher to deal with, because I am more insecure about it to the degree that it's something I need.
Other people aren't exactly thrilled to be going to therapy, either. The office has four or five counselors working in it, so I saw some people come and go as I waited for my appointment time. Nobody made eye contact (well, I tried, because I refuse to feel shameful about this, if I can help it) on the way in or on the way out...but it may not have anything to do with shame. Maybe more about privacy and the like. Coming out of the offices into the waiting room is intense, because you sort of would like to have a decompression chamber or something, which I suppose is a testament to the fact that I really did feel comfortable while I was in talking with her.
If I keep going (still unsure whether I can afford it), there will be posts ad nauseum about it, but that's it for now...
Filed under:
Health and Therapy
So my first therapy session was pretty much as expected. A few nice suprises that have nothing to do with therapy at all, really: It didn't rain when I went into SF for my appointment last night (I had some worries that if it rained a lot I'd use it as an excuse to not go). Also, it's not so far from 24th street BART, Papalote(sp?)--one of my favorite taquerias in the whole world-- and Lex's pad, so there are some plusses for traipsing into SF aside from just getting healthier. Sometimes I need little bonuses to push me over the top when it comes to facing my problems. (The promise of new shampoo/toothpaste/soap has often been the only thing that gets me out of bed on down days.)
Some things that were not much of a suprise, therapy-wise:
I cried. That was pretty much a given, and I said as much when I first sat down. Of course, crying while I was telling her that I'd probably cry wasn't something I really expected. I obviously needed to cry. This explains why I teared up during "Ever After" at movie night a coupla weeks ago.
There was a clock prominently displayed. It's weird to be watching the clock while you're pouring your heart/mind out. But it was strangely comforting and focusing, actually. I tended to get back to my point (maybe) more often, though I still managed to ramble quite a bit.
My therapist is hot in the butchy-dyke-ish way that I tend to like. This did not suprise me. I have a feeling that no matter what my therapist looks like, I'll have some sort of attraction to him/her simply because of power dynamics mixed with my intense need to be heard right now. But still. Argh. I don't need complex relationships with my therapist. Of course, she turns out to be the sort of therapist (so far) that I am looking for, so I'm going to try to just ignore the hot thing. Given that most of the time I'm just blubbering along, I tended to forget my attraction anyway.
I quickly learned about a blind spot that I have. Again, not much of a suprise...that's one of the main reasons that I wanted to go. She early on pointed out that anger and sadness/depression are usually thought of as linked--sometimes to the point that some people think depression is mostly repressed anger. I wouldn't go quite so far in my case, but I think that it's amazing that I didn't link my anger and my sadness. I thought they might have similar root causes, but I didn't put it together that repressing one might cause the other (and I think that happens in both directions with these two emotional states, for me). Seeing this connection explicitly will help me to manage/change/grow regarding them both. I hope.
Some things that did suprise me:
It was pretty emotionally draining. Not sure why this suprised me, but it did. I guess I haven't had a real venting session with anybody in a long while. I forget how tiring it can be--to the point that I start to worry about my therapist--how in the world can she listen to hours and hours (not just me, but clients before/after me) of this stuff, empathize, and not just be completely utterly drained. I woulnd't be able to compartmentalize it enough, I think. I'd go crazy. er. Crazier.
I found myself morbidly joking around a stranger. I thought that I would take the whole thing pretty seriously, but I guess as a defense mechanism of some sort, I made a lot of jokes at my own expense. Or should I say "jokes". Lots of stuff about how I'm crazy and all that. I was suprised by my inhibition of talking about myself, to some degree. Usually I have no problem talking about myself. And I managed to blather on quite a bit...but I also hesitated and held back. I suppose trust will have to be built.
I am more uncomfortable with doing this than I thought I would be. I have done therapy, briefly, for various particular things before, but this feels different. I feel like I'm sort of needing this more than I have in the past, and that makes it harder to handle emotionally. I also feel like some of the reasons I need it more (i.e. don't have as many friends to talk to) make it tougher to deal with, because I am more insecure about it to the degree that it's something I need.
Other people aren't exactly thrilled to be going to therapy, either. The office has four or five counselors working in it, so I saw some people come and go as I waited for my appointment time. Nobody made eye contact (well, I tried, because I refuse to feel shameful about this, if I can help it) on the way in or on the way out...but it may not have anything to do with shame. Maybe more about privacy and the like. Coming out of the offices into the waiting room is intense, because you sort of would like to have a decompression chamber or something, which I suppose is a testament to the fact that I really did feel comfortable while I was in talking with her.
If I keep going (still unsure whether I can afford it), there will be posts ad nauseum about it, but that's it for now...
Filed under:
Health and Therapy
posted by Jeff Pollet at 2:30 PM
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