Needy
One of the things that was discussed in my last therapy session had to do with some of my recent feelings about my 'being needy'. Up until relatively recently, 'being needy' was something that I would have almost never attributed to myself. In fact, I thought of myself as perhaps overly independent for a good deal of my life--and I may have been, at times, even upon reflecting now. There are still ways in which I might think of myself as overly independent--I tend to let people in to a certain degree and then keep them at a certain distance nonetheless.

On the other hand, I'm starting to recognize what a complex concept 'being needy' really is.

Interdependent
One aspect of this is that there aren't just two ways of being: Needy and independent. There is, of course, a spectrum of being along these lines. I think that, over the course of the last few years, I have learned what it means to be interdependant--and I also think that interdependant is something that all of us are, in the sort of Aristotelian way that we are 'social animals' as well as in the sort of urban reality way of existing among bunches and bunches of people.
Recognizing that one is interdependent can be a great shock, especially when one thinks one is radically independent. To my great (yet somehow hilarious) shame, I was a big political libertarian and Ayn Rand fan when I was in my early 20's. Ok, not shame, really--a lot of people go through a Rand phase, I think--in fact, the whole notion of uber-independence may be a psychological stage of growth that everybody goes through, at different times in their lives (most people get the Rand-ish stuff out of their system when they are, like, 12, however, when they're taught the value of family and sharing and such). Still, I was big on free markets and the rather confused notion that I didn't need anything from anybody--especially emotionally. All the while I was seeking out romantic love that was pretty darn needy, in retrospect.

As I grew more socially and politically aware (really I think I have feminist theory--especially its analysis and criticism of 'atomistic' theories of the self-- more than philosophy to thank for this), the uber-independence and Rand-ishness began to subside. I started to recognize that, not only did I value my friends and family as individuals, but I also valued them because they helped me live my life better, because they cared for me, and because they were there for me when I needed them, and when I didn't.

Wanting and Needing
When I was still in high school, I wrote a bunch of angsty poetry about needing and wanting. Perhaps I'll go back and try to find it at some point. But I remember it distinctly--it stayed with me in some way that made me realize that I wanted to be the sort of person who wanted romantic love, but not the sort of person who needed romantic love. Sometimes, on days when I don't have much of an eye for conceptual subtleties, I still think this. But more and more I recognize (and I think I had some good intutions about it then, too) that needs and wants are relative in important ways--both to each other and to the context of the situation in which they apply.

Back to therapy: One of the things that my therapist has helped me to understand is that sometimes, when I want something from somebody in the world--i.e. I want them to talk with me, to treat me better, to call me more often, to make plans with me, even to be in love with me, etc.--that can feel like a need to the person, depending on where they are at in their emotional life, and where they are at in how they feel about you. So, when, from my side of things, I feel like I'm wanting something from somebody, I need to keep in mind that such a want on my part can feel like (and be!) something the other person just doesn't want to give.

This sounds like such a simple thing--but for me it was quite a realization. When I've called for my friends to make more plans with me (rather than playing it by ear more often), it's in part because what I want is more structured time with friends--this has to do with some of my psychological hangups, I think. But what happens is that sometimes some of them feel that my want for such things is way too needy; or, at least, their wants conflict with mine. Again, it sounds like a simple thing to recognize, and it makes me feel like I've been incredibly self-centered about a lot of things, for, well, my whole freaking life. So I'm going to work on recognizing that when I want something from people--and I think it's ok to want--that I've got to recognize and respect that their wants may conflict with mine.

Yes, But
At the same time, my therapist helped me to realize something else. Sometimes, when I'm wanting something from somebody, and they feel like it's too needy, it's not just because their wants conflict with mine--sometimes it's because they aren't comfortable with my expressing my emotional states with them, and/or they're not comfortable expressing their own emotional states with me. Truth be told, I have a hard time keeping this in mind, because I think that the chances of getting all elitist about it (i.e. "I'm so in touch with my fucking emotions, and you're not") are pretty high; and yet, I think my therapist has a point. I live in a society where people are discouraged from expressing how they're feeling, especially when they are feeling sad. Also, the stark individualistic streak in our culture is such that people aren't ok with asking others for what they need, because such requests are often rebuffed sort of out of hand. (And I've been on the 'other side' of that many times, really--in hindsight, I have felt others were 'clingy' in ways I couldn't handle when, in fact, it was mostly me who just wasn't cognizant of how I was feeling at the time.) In romantic relationships, I think that women who might be attracted to my openness at first, come to not enjoy it when they recognize that it's not going away. A gross generalization, perhaps, but I think it holds some truth; I think this stuff is gendered (of course I do!), too, and that the sort of man that I am isn't often comfortable for some of the women I'm attracted to. Of course, some of this just is incompatiblity, too, so it's hard to tell.

Wanting and Needing
Still, I think I'm learning some stuff here. Learning that some of the sadness I've been dealing with lately has to do with being incompatible with lots of people--friends and lovers alike--along the lines of what I want and need from others. And this also helps me understand better the myriad sorts of friendships I may have: Some of them may be more of what I want and some of them less--and they still may be good friendships either way. It also helps me to recognize that some of what I wantin my life are more friends who enjoy discovering their own inner emotional lives, enjoy sharing them with me, and who also aren't (eventually!) put off by the fact that I need to do that with others, too.

Filed under:Therapy